Sunday, 26 July 2015
Whenever people ask me about Tantric Sex and pleasure, they often want to know more about how I can help them to please their partner in bed. The first think I ask is, "What does your partner say they enjoy?"
The incredible response is often, "Um, I don't know, I've never asked them."
This is so fascinating, don't you think? What I remind everyone during our brief conversations is that I’m getting an idea of what their issues are in sex and relationships, all within a few minutes. A partner is often someone they’ve cultivated a life with – in some cases over many years.
Usually in casual conversations with curious women I meet outside of my work environment, I do appreciate they want some tips; lessons on how to give oral sex. Mindful that they may not understand what I do, I explain that I'm not that kind of sex educator. I teach Tantric techniques for more intimate love making, cultivated through relational practices plus emotional connections.
Of course I accept that my past often heralds the myth that I've done a lot of pleasing, but this isn't quite true. Once my role has been clarified, jokingly I remind women that I don't have a penis so I am unsure of how it would feel, however some basic techniques are shared to give them more confidence.
From what I’ve experienced and documented through research, most expertise is often garnered throughout one’s own sexual experimentation. That's half the fun, I believe. And from what men tell me, there's nothing sexier than a woman keen to confidently explore with guidance.
I found that confidence along with communication between lovers is the ultimate teacher; youth sex education definitely being the precursor to this.
However, I'm also aware when there's an undercurrent tone of 'needing to please' another human being. In this case what I'm really hearing is a lack of confidence, especially if there are self-depreciating comments being made e.g. ‘Oh well, I’m so dumb really,’ or ‘I should be so lucky to attract someone anyway, I’ve been divorced for so long.’
This is an opportunity for a candid chat where I ask casual non-judgemental questions so that I may address reasons for wanting to please another person, and it comes as no surprise that motivation often stems from having a low self-esteem. In the case of women I speak with, often it’s her self-worth that has at some point been eroded. When they ask if I suggest they go to a sex workshop to learn how to suck a man’s penis, I suggest that they stop and contemplate whether there’s some more personal growth they could gain so much more from.
If you’re not entirely sure about who you are, what you want in a sexual relationship, how you feel about your own body and what pleases YOU, then how can you share yourself so intimately with another?
My aim is to cultivate wisdom and empowerment in both men and women as I guide them into forming deeper, healthier lasting relationships and ecstatic sex – all within the framework of gorgeous tantric love-making practice that upholds equality & unity. As I begin to see more women, it’s important they value the benefit of cultivating such skills through the portal of their own inner wellbeing.
For many years I’ve witnessed men feeling overwhelmed by the need to perform, and women are also feeling similar pressures.
I've heard sex workers who've been given a voice on mainstream media say "If you want to keep your man happy and don't want him to stray; then unzip him as soon as he walks in the door."
What!? I can't tell you how much this makes me shiver. This is not appropriate advice, but the media wants to tease and exploit us, so these are generally the messages that they want to air - the messages that vulnerable women absorb into the core of their heart and soul; especially if they've experienced rejection or abandonment by a man.
We as women need to respect ourselves more and stop selling out for the sake of such demeaning propaganda. We do not need boob jobs or to show bold, aggressive statements of affection to gain the attention of a man we consider as worthy of our body and heart.
I believe that we as a society are slowly regrouping as a collective; men and women both honouring and proclaiming sexuality as sacred – however women need to be wary of swinging totally in the opposite direction and using sex as a weapon.
I've been a sex worker. I've also been an abandoned wife; my husband left me for a younger 'girl' and had an affair, citing lack of ...ahem "affection" at home, yet today I love men more than ever. Ladies I'm here to tell you that men also have these experiences. None of us chooses to have miserable sex and love lives. We are regaining a balance long overdue, so let’s begin by acknowledging that having the courage and willingness to communicate needs is paramount in establishing trust and the capacity to create intimacy in lasting relationships between men and women.
When it comes down to basic instinct, desire can coax one into submission, yet I can assure you a conscious man who is interested in a relationship with you, doesn't want you to put his needs first. Sure oral sex is an incredibly erotic and enjoyable gift to receive and give, however it's not something he is immediately considering when he truly desires to get to know you.
My point is, when you're thinking about how to attract or keep a man by making him happy I'm here to tell you that he's more interested to know how he can please YOU!
If there's one thing I learned from my ten years as an Escort is that men are at their most vulnerable when naked and erect - yes as in their penis boldly bouncing around. Men are aware that their penis is NOT a weapon. Let's face it; they could quite easily get hurt in this tender moment - in more ways than one! (I know, because when a little nervous or in doubt about a blokes character I've scared a few in my time :)
A man's mind goes dizzy with arousal because the blood is in their groin, however contrary to myths perpetuated by small minds (usually fearful, often ingrained into us women as young girls) men ARE actually capable of acknowledging that we have to be ‘into’ them. They realise we have needs therefore their warrior instinct is to win our interest.
Another fact about women’s sexual containment is this. A confident woman embodies sexiness and knows discernment. We women are meant to be seductive; we are designed to lure men in to this delicious honeypot. It's an elixir; an aphrodisiac creatively designed by Mother Nature herself to give us the incredible capacity to harness ecstasy & birth divine love.
A Woman's yoni contains certain chemicals that prepare for an abundance of men's semen; ready to defend the womb against the weakest seed. Women's bodies are meant to be worshipped and men know it! However it's often embedded deep into our subconscious when we are little girls that we are less than worthy if we open ourselves up so fully to this richness of juicy pleasure pulsating through our bodies.
Men sense this primal capability of ours, which is why we've experienced centuries of repression.
However today’s evolved men are tapped into this aspect of the divine feminine. They know our magic, that's why we need to remind ourselves to come alive so that we can once again rejoice with them!
When a man is attracted to a woman, he's drawn in by her essence. He resonates with the scent of sexual energy yes, but he desires the feminine; that part of you that honour your inner beauty - the depth of which most men will quite happily dive into to reach you ahead of any other man. He wants to worship you, and he wants YOU to tell him how!
A man will want to mould himself into that space between your heart and yoni (vagina). He wants to touch you, yes. But not in a way that has you recoiling deep inside. He wants to feel the warmth of your thighs as they open in anticipation, greeting his touch only upon permission.
Your acceptance of his mouth onto your clitoris is when he thrives; the warrior in him craving to drink in your euphoric nectar. Savouring your most divine space is the most intimate gift a man can receive – and trust me, he wants it. He wants you. Dear women, believe that he is always willing to worship the body of a sexually empowered woman.
You are his Goddess.
Ladies, open up your heart and take note that the love you may seek is right there within you. Love yourself right, own your zone and you WILL attract a more conscious, deserving man.
Then you can begin the adventure of exploring each other slowly and more intimately, (and not always in bed!)