Friday, 18 July 2014

Emotional Intelligence Part II: What is Sexual Intelligence?

Sexual healing isn't just about the physical; emotional balance is key!

I'm still finalising this piece, however with training sessions underway and private tantra sessions keeping me busy - my writing time is limited this stay tuned for more info shortly.

Oh, and Tantra Sydney has evolved to a whole new level of experiential therapy!

My session info is currently under revision - all will be revealed 1 August (rates reflecting this evolution and expansion).

Have a great weekend & please call if you have any questions. Stay sensual everyone!
Love Taryn

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Emotional Intelligence Part 1: What's Challenging Men Today?

Is 25-30 The New Age for Men to Have a Mid Life Crisis?

By Taryn Harvey, Relationship Counsellor & Tantric Intimacy Coach - Sydney
(updated from previous blog 2013; additional feedback from mothers of teenage/20+ males)
"I have been reviewing data researched over the past few months via many sources. Stay tuned as I write about the relational / psycho-sexual challenges faced by males and females in our society today."

I’m always in awe of all my clients but none more especially than a young man in need of guidance and support. When contemplating the possibility of meeting and undertaking a therapeutic session with me, they must first take the courageous step in making the call. Often people (not only men) contact me first via email to clearly outline their situation or dilemma.

In review of the younger men I hear from, I noticed that there were key patterns emerging so I began asking more qualitative questions about their age, position in the family (often oldest), how long have they lived at home before moving out, relationship with parents, sense of responsibility etc. During this research I noticed one very interesting common denominator.  Generally these men are aged between 28 to 33 years and often single, so I had reason to conclude that there is an existing biological shift – a plateau - in a man’s life, much like the peri-menopausal stage for women between 45-55 years of age.

There seems to be a phase whereupon these young men are questioning their place in life; a time when they’re reviewing their values and ideals in terms of relationships and family. Let’s use *John as an example as I give an overview of what has been the premise;

*John has done his Degree, finished at 23 years and gone into a fantastic well paid career. But now five to six years later and having worked maybe 12-15 hour days, he is ready to pull back a little. He may have his own property already (in these cases, it’s because he has lived at home up until he was 23 and his parents haven’t made him accountable for expenses) and may have been a charmer with the ladies, but now that he’s ready to settle down there is no Mrs Right in sight!

*John no longer gets so excited by one night stands; in fact, he realises he’s never really been into it anyway.

Here is the first cue that he is becoming emotionally mature. Also let me add here that generally boys between 16-22 years of age are biologically geared to race after girls (with sex on the brain as we say), because biologically this is when they are likely to impregnate someone without any second thoughts about mortgages, career and marriage! (Archaic view, I know...but stay with me).

My point here is that when I see *John, he’s going through an emotional crisis of sorts as he notices his biological drive is settling down a little and his mental capacity to equate the value of intimacy becomes more predominant. This is when he is likely to question where he went wrong and why doesn’t he have a relationship?  I hear many say ‘why is it so hard to find that special someone to have kids with[i] ?’

 In primal speak, let’s look back to a thousand years ago, or imagine that we were all living in villages, working on the land, cultivating our food whilst making our homes comfortable simply by having a warm fire and a roof over our head.  *John would probably have reached his peak and be recognised as a patriarchal male in the community.

In today’s society, he is not recognised at all – except of course at work where he’s now a successful Manager etc. Soon he finds himself ‘left on the shelf’ at an age roughly between 28-33 years of age, and fast becoming disillusioned, he is rendered with a sense that he has somewhat failed as a man.

I’m aware of an esoteric cycle known as a Saturn Return, but generally it’s clear to me that men are indeed experiencing an earlier cycle of what I call the new mid life crisis. Given that there’s little acceptance or encouragement for men to fornicate for procreation without commitment (generally financial e.g. maintenance payments for the child), and less opportunity for them to engage their masculine side in relation to seduction, I can understand the confusion these young men are experiencing. At this age their fathers and grandfathers were probably settled down with a couple of kids, playing scrabble with the neighbours on the weekends and having family BBQ’s on Sundays.

But this is not typical of a young man’s life today.

Today’s young men are in a time where women have it all, know it all and cannot be easily pursued. But let’s be fair; these young men have had a lot more than their fathers and grandfathers ever had in terms of abundance and opportunities (*John had no intentions of settling down earlier what with his eye on the Manager’s position), and with social media plus the internet taking up way too much time, many of today’s young men have become lazy. Most of my callers these days are also overwhelmed with panic that they have found themselves at the mercy of porn addiction – too many late nights alone with the internet as easy company! This isolation and subsequent sexual practice equals lack of flirtation & seduction practice meaning that these men now lack confidence. I often hear them say how much they are avoiding having a broken heart, expecting to bypass the experience by jumping head first into the perfect relationship – and wouldn’t we all like that best case scenario. Thanks Hollywood!

As many of us would learn by the time we reach maturity, heartbreak and rejection are part of the human life cycle, and without taking an active part in ‘real life’ by socially engaging with women, many young men are simply losing out on the best that life has to offer. Where chasing the girl for sex was once his father’s past time, this is no longer such a thrill given sex so readily available, therefore the thrill of the chase and chance to practice the art of seduction is sorely lacking. This should be a primary skill for all young males to master in their quest to conquer for love, and as such they need to be encouraged to take some risks in talking to new potential partners. They need guidance to understand that the key to building a strong, long lasting relationship with a partner is to create a healthy relationship with their own self first.

Achievement is one thing, but personal growth and a healthy, loving relationship takes practice and patience which many young people struggle with today.

I will keep you updated on new insights as time goes by, but in the meantime do you know any young men, or are you experiencing this new age dilemma? If so, write to me and give me a snapshot of the situation. I’d love to keep track so that together we can source better ways of supporting the masculine growth.

Taryn Harvey




[i] From what many men aged 22-40 years old have told me over the past three years, they believe that the young women they’re meeting up with these days seem to have so many options and sexual confidence that they no longer sit idly around waiting for Mr Right. Did we as a society create an imbalance in masculine & feminine roles?  Is it important for the sexes to be defined by a role today anyway? (more on this later)